Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Fantasy in Realpolitik

Truth is stranger than fiction
In the political charade
Especially in the diction
Of the candidate parade
Where a word may have meaning
Or perhaps not
Depending on your leaning
And if you smoke pot
As hopefuls scratch and fight
While moving to the right

The current overexposure of politicians calling themselves Republicans in a series of reality dramas being called debates is both humorous and scary. It is like Freddy from Friday the 13th fame meeting up with the Three Stooges for an unscripted joint project. As I studied the eight most common participants, their similarity to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs became increasingly clear except that nobody in the old fairy tale group of eight was running for president.
Allow me to introduce the group:

Sleazy is Herman Cain who seems to excel in domestic affairs (six and counting), but has trouble with foreign affairs. Is Libya a real country? Iran has high mountains that keep us out, but we need an electric fence to keep immigrants out. He was chosen by God to run.

Sleepy is Jon Huntsman who has trouble keeping up with the comedians in the group but does not want to stir them enough to notice that he is on stage with another Mormon. He wants to be on the far right of the stage, but is too polite to argue.

Dopey is Rick Perry who cannot list more than 2 items without a brain freeze; wants Congress to work part time and he wants to lead the nation if he does not secede from it. He would prosecute the Social Security Administration for its Ponzi scheme. He was chosen by God to run.

Doc is Ron Paul who sees pot as a personal choice as is the creation of an Army. He is the gold standard for eliminating the Fed. He thinks we can safely assume that 95 percent of the black males in DC are semi-criminal or entirely criminal. MLK Day is annual Hate Whitey Day.

Happy is Mitt Romney who seems delighted that his career of crushing companies and firing employees or cutting their pay qualifies him as a job creator. Healthcare should be supported by a mandate unless it should not be supported by a mandate. Claims he once saw a poor person, but may flip-flop on that.

Bashful is Rick Santorum who wants sex in the closet where it belongs. Life begins at the thought of sex or slightly before. And flag pins make the man unless they don’t. He was chosen by God to run.

Grumpy is Newt Gingrich who wants to return to child labor to lower wages and wants to fire federal judges he disagrees with while nuking Iran and returning to Iraq. Palestinians are an invented people. Campaigns by others should be more civil. Hypocrisy does not include Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac lobbying or his $300,000 House fine for a Jim Wright style ethics lapse.

Snow White is Michele Bachman who claims an Amazing Immaculate Conception for getting both federal and state money for her farm and husband’s “gay cure” clinic while never getting a subsidy. She claims that our founding fathers worked tirelessly to free the slaves despite Mt. Vernon and Monticello. Hmm. Snow White as history dwarf, but chosen by God to run.

It has become obvious that these presidential hopefuls are indeed all dwarfs, not in the sense of physically or genetically affected people, but intellectual and emotional dwarfs who generate bumper stickers that are placed further on the starboard side than any Republicans in history. Barry Goldwater was a Conservative. These candidates are Fascist Looney Tunes that would make Goldwater blush. Let us look at a few ideas that are being promoted and even exaggerated by their rhetoric:

Many candidates have announced that they have been chosen by God to run for president. I don’t know your belief system, but my wager (not $10,000) is that God is much smarter than that. This may be an attempt to secure the Religious Right vote, but it will probably only confuse people who hear voices and not anybody else. In Iowa, as of now, pastors are splitting their support because they are not sure that God spoke or sent a text as he did with Moses. Candidates do not appear to be readers of the New Testament, given their quest for blood and vengeance on the international scene. Despite this drastic policy, for Gingrich and Cain, self-forgiveness trumps all. It may be a sign that King David has replaced Ronald Reagan as Most Dear Leader, especially with Newt the Martyr, who has reinterpreted the Constitution as a quaint preamble to his reign as King of America, Infinity and Beyond. His plan to colonize the moon calls for sending his enemies first to establish the first lunar penal colony. Because of the number of enemies, life support issues are paramount and this may delay the project due to budget constraints.

Snow White has also been chosen by God to run as a serious candidate and to foil Newt the Martyr who has converted to Catholicism and sided with the Pope who is the Anti-Christ. This has confounded non-evangelical pastors and annoyed Catholics and moderate evangelicals who were seeking the True Conservative and they have announced in Iowa that she should step down and endorse Rick Santorum who is male and biologically and morally superior. One might think that after GW Bush announced that God chose him, that candidates might fear not being taken seriously if they followed suit. Snow White claims that her Salem Lutherans never burned witches. It is no surprise that Christine O'Donnell endorsed Romney.

Rick Santorum, being slightly more Catholic than the Pope has simultaneously embraced the theology and scolded the Pope for his slack acceptance of homosexuals as worthy beings. He has denounced Darwin as only a theory and endorsed Intelligent Design. His support of educational vouchers thrills some fellow Catholics, but Intelligent Design has been co-opted by political enemies such as Snow White. Some Republican conciliators have asked Bashful to kiss and make up with Snow White by putting her on his ticket as a Vice Presidential candidate, but kissing leads to sin and he has agreed to briefly shake hands instead.

Doc, or Ron Paul has threatened to run as a Third Party candidate to emphasize his Libertarian credentials. This has split the social conservative factions who support his White is Right statements but have trouble with his policy on marijuana. The Third Party may provide another conflict with Donald Trump who did not make the travel team for the debate tournament. The Donald (not to be confused with the Duck of the same name) has also threatened to run on a Third Party ticket thus creating the real struggle as to which will be Third and which will be Fourth.

Happy has endured campaigning for president twice within memory as well as serious personal privation in his personal and business life. While a missionary in Paris, he was forced to live in an austere hotel that was formerly the embassy for the United Arab Emirates. A chef prepared food, often without input from Mitt and there was hardly room for his bicycle in his hotel closet. The hotel was in the chic “16th” of Paris making it difficult to find the lower middle class he sought to convert. There were so many baths that Happy learned decision-making by choosing the site for his bath to be drawn. It’s not easy being green (with money) and it is emotionally crushing to make millions from layoffs.

Sleepy is in difficult straits. He is sometimes the only adult on stage and he confuses candidates with his bipartisan anecdotes and shows he lacks understanding by suggesting dialogue instead of war on nations not accepting American Exceptionalism defined by Perry, Gingrich and Romney. He lacks the energy to keep the other candidates awake because of his polite demeanor. He leans starboard but talks to Democrats proving that he is unreliable in a fight. His days on the team are limited.

Sleazy has now borrowed a world atlas and is preparing to lower his sights to become the Secretary of Defense. Defense is his preferred positioning and, in fact, he is under Secret Service protection due to credible threats, probably from his wife. He has suspended his presidential campaign until the next debate or sexual allegation, whichever comes first. This may be a clever ploy like the Mohammed Ali “rope-a-dope” trick where he laid low and then punched out his rivals.

George Giacoppe
20 December 2011

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